Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
We’ve come full circle
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!