My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.