Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so