Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
The Struggle
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
o shit
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope