the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I can fix him.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
time for some seasonal decor
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually