Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Has science gone too far?