i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Wedding planning is organized crime.
a fate I wish upon no one
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
thanksgiving in nutshell
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.