2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Wedding planning is organized crime.
a fate I wish upon no one
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
thanksgiving in nutshell
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.