If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I’m good, thanks.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.