RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda