Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.