[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
My time has come.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
They’re not wrong
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO