I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
God has abandoned us.