no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting