Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”