smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast