cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]