Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.