My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol