tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
i smell a pulitzer
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*