How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?