The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
he was correct
Storm Tropical Storm
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?