they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.