i smell a pulitzer
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
he was correct
Storm Tropical Storm
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I just stopped by to water my horse.