Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.