I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.