Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail