Birds & Planes.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor