You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.