Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.