My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
😭😭😭
No.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.