Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife