When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Every haunted house movie:
He was looking for a job and then he found a job