That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Birds & Planes.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.