Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Birds & Planes.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?