who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
I’ve disappointed better people.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”