How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.