it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!