Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
adding to the discourse
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.