When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
where do you see yourself in five years?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.