In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Ion see the issue
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.