[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck