date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Mike is short for Micycle
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
