cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Good dog. ❤️
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me