US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean