Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
classic mixup
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.