Pro tip for my good boys out there
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
🤣
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?