there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
I march to the beat of my own dumb
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.