“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
