This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:
“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day
noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear